The One And Only Billy Shears

The following is a Fractured Tale by Winston O Boogie

Once there was a bus driver named Mark David Chapman. Mark wanted to prove he was special so told people he could outdo Jesus's walking on water by driving his school bus on water. So one day he took a busload of school kids and headed off on the surface of the water. But then he began to "double think" and had a lapse in faith and the bus began to sink. Mark jumped out the window and swam to shore where he was arrested by the authorites for impersonating a Christian on a warrent of outstanding charges they'd had for years. The bus was washed ashore and the kids escaped to an island and then the bus sank.

Meanwhile on another part of Planet Algore, Eddie, of Eddie and the Crusers was feeling low on the evening of 9 - 11 (11 - 9 for those of you in America) and one night drove his car off a pier in New Jersey and the driver and car sank to the bottom of the sea. But then Eddie was rescued by an octipus that gave him mouth to mouth and he revived. He then got into another car and drove down the turn pike and ended up in California, and when Eddie got out for a pit stop, the car turned into a golden winged ship where this formerly crippled girl was chasing it all the way to heaven. Suddenly Eddie's memory began to fade and he couldn't remember where he was or who he was. Three days later he took on the identity of one Billy Shears who was a student at Falcon Crest Jr. High taking nineth grade Spanish class learning phrases such as "A la salida de la escuela" and "Una conversacion por telefono".

Meanwhile in a place known as the overworld- - the gods were gleefully accepting all the offerings offered to them by their patrons. Billy Shears would do homage to each and every god making sure he didn't miss one. But in his zeal he had forgotten one god, and that was the god of boredom. Soon the god of boredom began to feel weak and sick due to mal-nurishment. The god of boredom's favorite pasttime was rolling colored marbles down a gridwork of ruts. There would be varied ruts and at times they would criss-cross each other and at times, if he put just the right spin on a marble he could get the marble to switch from one rut to another rut. But as the god of boredom grew in poorer health all of the ruts somehow became more shallow such that the marbles were in danger of coming out of the ruts. This is what happened with two particular green marbles. The god of boredom saw this happen- - but since the green marbles looked alike he didn't know which was which.

There is another story about how Billy Shears came to be. Some say that his mother had an affair with a sailor from Eugene, Oregon who was stationed in San Francisco aboard the SS Cain. The name of the sailor was Tommy. He looked all white but his wad was black. And it's believed that Billy was the product of their "fornacation".

One day in early February of 1965, only a couple months after the forgoing events- - Billy Shears and John Lennon swapped identities. John Lennon was now a ninth grader and Billy Shears was now a Beatle. Lennon was told that the nickname of the entity he was to enter was called Strawberry by a member of the Federation. Another person, who didn't know as much said that Lennon would take the identity of a red-haired girl wearing a green blouse. Since John was still attracted to girls he was worried by this till he got home and looked in the mirror and saw not a red haired girl but a guy of racial identity shall we say- - a little closser to the equator than he was used to being. At that moment he longed to see his wife and kid in the mirror behind him telling him he was great, but he knew that wasn't going to happen. John said, "It's this whole Spanish thing that has my mind messed up".

Meanwhile the other John Lennon was watching his wife and son frolock on the living room rug and he had the thought "Is this my family or what?" Then there was word from a music producer that they would be starting work in their second film at the end of the month and the producer was saying "I hope you're ready for some good action sequences". George Harrison chimed in. "We don't want stunt men, we want to do all our own stunts". Then Billy Shears said, "I hope there's a lot of under water sequences" and added, "And I've even come up with a good name for the movie- - Kelp". The others wern't so hot on that. Then Billy had another name- - "Eight Arms to Hold You". The other Beatle Mates liked that idea, but not the idea of octipuses. Paul said, "John, can't you think of another meaning of Eight Arms to Hold You? You're so good at double-meanings. John looked at Paul blankly and then said "No". Then Ringo said "Well there are four of us with two arms each and two times four makes eight, right?" John said, "Oh- - - you know I haven't been too good at math lately. I think I've bot a B 12 deficiency since my parents stopped buying steaks so often". Then it was announced it was time for them to record a sound track. "Goody!" John exclaims. They recorded eleven songs that mid February. But they still needed a title song.

Meanwhile the cosmic force shifted again and once again the god of boredom had trouble deciding which green marble belonged on which track. Suddenly Billy was back at Falcoln Crest Jr. High. This school had experimented with something called Flexible Scheduling. "That's what I'm on now. Flexable scheduling. I can cut out whenever I like. Actually Flexable Scheduling was started by the same people who later worked for Enron. They helped the executives schedule airline flights so they could get out of town in a hurry.

Meanwhile the other John wrote and sang "Help" in April of 1965. "Excuse me if the song is a bit to auto-biographical. I'm just not feeling very creative these days".

When it came time to do the concert at Chey stadium the god of boredom looked down at the statium in New York and a cold chill went over his heart. It was kind of like the same feeling that Cathy had in Wuthering Heights just after marrying Edger. "No doubt about it. We have got to do another switcheroo". Actually, from February of 1965 to February 1968 the fake Billy Shears performed all but six beatles songs that they recorded during this period. The only six the feal John Lennon performed were "Help", "Nowhere Man" "In My Life", "You know my Name look up my number", "Baby You're a Rich Man" and "All You Need is Love". And so this flip-flop of identities went on and on.

One day Billy Shears got inspired to write a song about the strawberry fields he used to pass on his daily trek to Falcon Crest Jr. High school. Did he dream it or was it real. "It doesn't matter much to me", he said in a resigned tone.

In early 1967 Billy Shears got to suggest to Ringo and Paul that his real name be used on a Beatle song. "I think this song would sound good done in Johnny Manthis style" Billy said. The other Beatle Mates did not agree. - - One day Billy was watching the colored marbles go around and picked up a blue margle and looked through it. He saw a blong haired blue eyed boy in a blue & gold striped shirt about five years old ripping the arms of a Superman toy and he suggested to George Martin a backwards message to put in Sgt. Pepper. "How about something like - Well, f--k You Superman!" . "Roger", George responded. "Roger?- - do you know Roger? I know Rodger. Is he in England?" "You're getting ahead of yourself" George responded. Billy abruptly turned around "Where? Where is the rest of me?" Then Billy placed the blue marble back on the track- - but where he placed it was a down-grade and it rolled hard and didn't make the next corner and rolled off the board and onto the concrete where it hit a saxophone and rolled on into an overheated swimming pool, where nobody seemed inclined to fish it out. "I wonder what will happen", Billy said.

In the late spring of 1967 the real John was looking feeling "the change" was about to come again and he saw Billy Shears coming his way, but now Billy had turned into a Walrus!

After Brian Epstein died, John and Billy met again. He looked at Billy and said "I am he as you are me and we are all together", and then reached in his pocket and pulled out fifty cents, American, as if to pay somebody. "Why did you do that?" "I don't know". Billy was now haistly jotting down notes. Billy was the kind of guy who liked to observe everything. Later he met with Paul and Paul told Billy some of his ideas for the band now that Brian Epstein was gone. "Those are good ideas; I like them" Billy said. And added, "Besides this band needs a leader now that Brian is no longer with us". Paul looked at Billy kind of strange.

In February of 1968 the Beatles conveined to record a few songs such as "She Can Talk To Me", and "Accross the Universe", which Billy sang. This would be the last time he would sing with the Beatles. Just then the god of boredom tapped Billy on the shoulder and said, "I'm afraid your time has run its course. Behold what you will look like when you are fifty-five. You're lucky to be alive if you're over fifty-five". Billy looked at how fat he had become and he said. "Gees Louise I'm big. I love it! Being heavy is great. By the way what's that nice suit I've got on". The god of boredom said "That's by Bobby Hill clothiers. They're a little outfit out of Arlen, Texas. Behold I want to tell you a story now as to why you need to go back. "No, I want to go to India with the Beatles and expand my mind with the maharishi", Billy said. "Oh no you don't." said the god of boredom. Let me tell you a story. Once there was an island filled with school kids. They were on the verge of starving to death but then a bunch of them got scared by a pig in a cave. Then a little girl named Lisa noticed that the pig was being sustained by some slime the grew on the rocks and the little girl said, "If the slime can support the wild boar, it can support us. We're saved!" Billy then said, "Why not just kill and eat the pig". "You gain wisdom, my child" said the guardian god of boredom. And behold the one who pigs out on glory will have to be as a sacrifice to the gods one day. And if you want to excape here with your life you won't be that Pig that is sacrificed. Capish?" After this Billy Shears slunk off into the darkness and never did anything interesting again.